There was a time while raising Nate that I felt lonely. Although his father was an active part of our son’s life, Nate was with me full-time. “It’s just me and Nate,” I would say to people, as I described my life. And that is how it was – ME & NATE.
When Nate was 4 years-old we moved into our home together. I had the sole responsibility of caring for him. That included maintaining the household and helping my child who was not self-sufficient. I had to bathe and dress him, wash and iron his clothes, cook his meals, clean his room, and more. After work we would eat dinner and rush off to an evening doctor visit or psychological evaluation. At other times, we had a host of people in our home, from behavioral specialist, case managers, TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) Workers, and Home Health Aids. It was overwhelming to say the least.
When it was time for bed, I would lay down, exhausted, sometimes crying as the feelings of loneliness filled me. I had thoughts of my life being different. I desired to be married and have a family, which I tried, but did not work. I wanted to write more, which I put forth the effort, but couldn’t be consistent, as I was extremely tired after a full day of work and responsibilities with Nate. It was impossible to focus on writing.
I tried to find a cure for my loneliness. I spent time with my family and friends. I attended family functions, even hosted a few at my home. Friends and I would go out for dinner or a movie. We also went on a few vacations. However, when I returned home, there was the loneliness, greeting me at the front door, then leading me up the stairs to my room for another crying session.
It wasn’t until one day, I sat in my frustration, looking introspectively at my life. I reminisced on the years of raising Nate, as well as the times with our loved ones, the holidays with family, the visits with friends, and more. It was then that I began to realized that I wasn’t alone, after all. I had Nate and a community of people that cared and loved us.
I then began asking myself questions. Was I going to allow my situation to cause me to feel lonely as if I had no life? Was I going to allow myself to wallow in pity because my life wasn’t how I wanted or thought it should be? Was I going to dwell on what I did not have and be angry because I didn’t have it?
The answer to all those questions was no. NO! NO! NO!
I was no longer going to allow those feelings of sadness and depression to rule me. I wasn’t going to lay in the bed anymore having a self-induced pity party. I wasn’t going to allow those thoughts of loneliness to consume me. And I definitely wasn’t crying about this anymore. It had become TIRED and OLD. I think I had worn the loneliness badge too long. It was time to throw it away.
Instead, it was time to live my life with the joy and love that God has placed in each and every one of us. I had to live my life to its fullest and raising my child as a single mother.