In the past 22 years, the number one question that I have been asked is….
“Did you know prior to having your son, if he was going to have special needs?”
When I answer the question “NO”, some people usually follow-up with another question…..
“If you would have known, would you have had him?”
I usually take a deep breath before I answer this question, and then I truthfully respond.
“No”, I answer. “No, I would not have had him.”
When I share this with others, some are taken aback by my honesty. Yet, I have to be clear, that in “no” way do I regret having my son.
I love Nate and everything about that time, when I learned that I was pregnant with him. I still remember the happiness that filled me. I was so excited, as I went to my prenatal visits and ultrasound appointments. I still remember the time, that I watched Nate’s heart beating on the monitor. The joy of seeing the pounding figure on the screen made tears run down the side of my face. Also the day that I was told that I was carrying a little boy, caused me to cry in happiness. I was so elated that I could stop calling him “the baby,” to now using the name that I had chosen for him, Nathaniel, which means “gift from God.”
However, when I learned that I was pregnant, I was 19 years of age, young, immature, and I did not have relationship with God. And if during that time, my obstetrician would have told me that Nate was going to have a rare congenital defect, I would have been devastated. I could see myself crying hysterically, and then after much debating, I would have made the decision to abort my son.
At such a young and immature age that I was, I would have not thought that my actions would have been wrong or ungodly. I would have believed that I was doing what was best for me. And sadly, I would have believed that I was doing what was best for the baby that I was carrying.
And now, when I think on what I would have done, I can’t help to be grateful to God. I am happy that He did not allow me to know that my son was going to be born with special needs, because I can’t imagine my life without him.
And yes during the last 22 years, raising Nate has been filled with so many problems, difficulties, and anguish. However, it has also been filled with an unexplainable beauty and love.
Nate makes my heart smile.
Nate makes me happy.
Nate makes me laugh.
Nate makes me cry.
Nate makes me pray.
Nate makes me depend on God.
And Nate makes me draw closer and closer to my Lord.
So, I thank God for not allowing me to know that the little baby inside of me would have special needs. “Thank you God that aborting him was not an option.”